“Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend somewhere along in the bitterness.”- The Fray, “How to Save a Life”
“We accept the love we think we deserve.”- Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower
Remember when you were little and friendships were held for ransom daily? Like, “if you don’t do [blank], I won’t be your friend anymore.” As we get older, it doesn’t change. In some way or another, we hold our love, friendships, support, or relationships for ransom.
“If you don’t stay monogamous, I won’t be your spouse/partner anymore.”
“If you change, I wont be your friend anymore.”
“If you don’t do what I like, I won’t support you in your endeavors.”
Everyone does this in one way or another. That doesn’t necessarily mean that putting ransoms on our interactions on others is bad. In fact, it shows that you’re emotionally mature and that you respect yourself enough to know what you want and don’t want in your life.
I even admit that I do it, but I do have a high tolerance for bad behavior so I tend to put these limits on my love, support, friendship, and relationships that I never really follow through with the ransoms. However, there are times when I do follow through.
Why do we do this to each other?
Is it so others know our limits? Is it to protect us from getting hurt by someone else? Is it an innate controlling characteristic that much of the population has?
For me, I think it’s a controlling feature of myself. I plan everything to the tenth power. I think and plan and then over-think every decision and action. And I’ve found that when I don’t over-analyze and over-think my actions, bad things happen: I say something hurtful, I blow-up, I act in a way that isn’t socially acceptable, I do things that are totally out of my nature. So, I learn to be even more controlling of everything I do, say, feel, etc. It’s weird, but it’s how I cope.
But, like I said earlier, I tend not to follow through with the ransoms I put on my interactions with others. “Why?” you ask. Well, I simply believe that I deserve the behaviors and actions of others that are in my life. Whether that is abusive or kind or whatever, I believe it’s what I deserve.
I’ve also found that when I do enforce my limits/ransoms, I lose people in my life. I don’t like that because I find myself in the place I am now: socially alone. Currently, I have two friends (outside of my girlfriend and family) who have stayed within my limits, but they’re living states away. So, that’s what I get for setting limits and following through. I loneliness. Thus, I turn around and retract the limits just so I can have someone to talk to or lean on when I need it. But instead of controlling my relationships, I control and over-think my actions to not set off the bomb of the people I keep letting back in my life. That doesn’t always work, though. Sometimes the slightest misstep, quickest breath can cause a ticking bomb to go off.
I feel like I keep getting caught in the same web of debris. I want friends in my life, but I’m tired of being scared of being hurt by them, which tends to happen.
I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m finally not scared to admit that I can’t do it all anymore.
Thanks for listening to my rambling…